Start of the Beginning: "I don't know if love could win over lust and urge"

This article is an original Discreet Yuppies™ reader contribution
Author: Erratico


I want to do things that are forbidden. I want try stuffs that might curse me and crucify me as a sinner. I want to break the rules and go beyond the traditions and norms. I want to be bad. I want to be free.

For years, I've been trying to live like a normal guy. But I'm not normal. I'm different. And being different is really hard. I'm bisexual. Someone that is breaking and living his life with two sides. I don't know how it started. I never thought that this would be hard as I grew older. But then, how I wish I could simply ignore that other side of me and be normal and just be a real man.

Before I thought that this was just a stage of identity crisis. But then at age of 25, I guess i can't fool myself with that lame excuse. I already accepted that I'm bisexual...that somehow I am attracted to guys. But what differentiates me from other common bisexuals is that I'm still trying not to do the "act".

Yup, I still don't have sexual encounters with the same sex and either opposite sex. In short, I'm still a certified virgin. I'm an NGSB, which means No Girlfriend Since Birth. Well, it's been a mystery because during my younger days I courted a lot of girls. I just don't know why none of them prospered. Until, I discovered that I'm attracted to guys also. My first serious attraction was with my bestfriend. Suddenly, my like to him became lust. There was a time when because of this dilemma I decided to avoid him. For years, I tried not to see him. But then after so many years, when I thought that all the lust is gone, I tried to reconcile with the friendship but then it still there. Then, I came to the point that I realized that I'm not only attracted to him but to other guys also...that I'm bisexual.

Now I'm bothererd where my life is heading to. I'm in the middle of the crossroad trying to choose what path I should take. I guess I just understand why I still don't have a girlfriend. Coz I'm afraid. I don't know if my masculinity could sustain their expectations. I don't know if love could win over lust and urge. What if fate plays on me and give me a temptation while I'm in a relationship? What if I totally become gay but in the end a girl of my dreams comes along? I'm afraid to choose coz I'm afraid to make mistakes. They said life is a gamble and to lose and win are the consequences. But the only goal is to be happy. And it's up to you to play your cards but in the end future can only tell what will be the outcome.

I want to play life's game. I want to see what 's hiding besides that what ifs. I want to explore more about myself and know the real me. I might be do something that is beyond my normal cliche. I want to find the answer. And maybe, I'll be surprised what I'll find out, that afterall those dilemmas and confusions, I'm not really the person I thought I was.