The Pain of Letting Go

Warning:  This is an extremely emotionally-heavy article, which you may find boring or even pathetic.  Read at your own risk. J

It was an excruciating, agonizing Thursday night. The sudden, painful realization that I have actually fallen for a friend and the fact that there’s no more chance for us to be together came in such a big surprise when he told me that he is already in a relationship.  What made the pain worse was the fact that it is with a guy that I myself had deliberately introduced a few days earlier.  Right there and then, while I was reading his messages, I felt like a pail of ice cold water was poured down on me.  A bitter mix of emotions of remorse, loss, self-blame, and overwhelming sadness.  It felt like something struck my heart so deeply. I felt so weak and couldn’t react but just stared blankly at my computer screen in disbelief at the emotional anguish I suddenly felt. My finger could barely type a word! My mind was stunned by the overwhelming mix of emotions that are suddenly coming to the surface. Having not seen each other for the past two weeks has intensified my longing to finally see him over the weekend.  However, in the height of my nostalgia, I was struck with news that left me hanging in the air emotionally devastated.

We have known each other for just approximately two and a half months, yet the depth of the relationship felt like I’ve known him for years. It felt like he was the person, a special friend, that I have been longing for.  What we have was an intimate friendship. And for the short times we were together we shared happy memories. He is a wonderful person and beautiful inside and out.  I have come to value him so much that the news of him in a relationship broke my heart.

Instead of a happy weekend which I was hoping for, it was a totally sad one. Personally, I have always boasted of my competent coping mechanisms. Having been through tough years of struggles over my sexuality issues alone along with many other personal problems I encountered along the way, I have learned to be self-contained when it comes to coping and troubleshooting. However that weekend, everything didn’t seem to work. I blamed myself, I was angry at myself, I pitied myself. It really felt so pathetic.

I blamed myself for causing myself pain. It was obviously self-inflicted. In the first place, we were just friends. I shouldn’t have fallen for him. Secondly, I was the one who essentially paved the way for his “exit.” I was angry at myself for being so busy with things I do that I hadn’t had the time to scrutinize and assess where my emotion was heading. I was unaware (or maybe I just had it suppressed) of my growing feelings for him. Had I been conscious of it (or had I not suppressed it), I should have taken the necessary steps to ensure things will not go awry. I could have told him early on, work on it, and if things won't be favorable or impossible then I could have tapered down my feelings, perish it altogether over time, and keep the friendship, et cetera et cetera. And for failure to do such things, I pitied myself. I was so slow. I felt I was stupid. I felt loss.

That fateful Thursday evening was one of the worst nights I’ve ever had.  I couldn’t sleep. I can’t have peace of mind. I can’t comfort myself. I can’t help ruminating over so many things. I can’t stop lacrimating, I can’t help my heart! I felt so pathetic. I sent him a couple of quite emotional messages telling how I feel for him and how bad I am feeling at that moment given the turn of events. It wasn’t on asking him back since that would be unethical to do, but I just want to let him know what I feel and what I was going through that night. Somehow it helps to be able to vent out my burgeoning heavy emotions even through text messages. He responded but with few words. I can still remember how bluntly one of his messages struck me as it reads, “lilipas din yan, just like anything else.” I asked to see him over the weekend but he refused over reasons of important family events, telling me to wait till Monday of the succeeding week. There, I began to slowly feel the slightly cold air of change in his attitude. Friday came and I was still morbidly sullen and “grieving”. At noontime, my feelings got worse which convinced me I cannot wait for Monday. I have to see him the soonest possible time. I cannot be in that state of emotion. It was horrible. I need to talk to him. So, I asked to meet him that afternoon. At first he refused for the same reasons but at my pleadings, he finally agreed.  I told him to at least allow me to do it my way. I need to help myself, and a talk with him is the only way i could think of at the moment. I cannot go on like that. I told him that I just need “closure” at least on myself if there's such a thing as that. It sounds ridiculous since in the first place, there never was “US.” But I made myself clear that it was just “closure on myself” of some sort. I asked if I could hug him for the last time, but I was turned down. We talked that afternoon. It went ok but the atmosphere was different.  I could feel a significant change. I knew I am really losing him. I wasn’t even able to persuade him to stay a bit longer after the talk to accompany me on my “5pm brunch” since I hadn’t eaten breakfast and lunch. He assured me that things won’t change, the friendship stays as is, we’re still as good as before, and then bade me farewell. Headed  home, I walked down the sidewalk alone, sad, and still in denial of what’s going on.  I could not believe how fast the turn of events was. It dawned on me that I am really losing him.

That afternoon was the last time I saw him in person. Our online conversations ceased altogether as well. It took me around 3 days to finally gather myself up again and accept the fact that he is already with someone and he is happy with him, and that adjustments had to be made and changes have to be expected. In the weeks that followed, feelings of nostalgia often visit me and I felt the similar sting of pain, though milder. I asked to see him a couple times, but he declined for some reasons. I tried to get things back to normal. I text him every once in a while (although he no longer initiated to send me one) for which I only get short, telegraphic 2-3 word replies. I wasn’t asking him to break ties with his present relationship and turn his affections towards me.  What I only want is for things to be as before. He is a special friend to me, a confidant, an inspiration (i.e. he’s been through a lot in life and his life story inspires me), an adviser, a mentor, etc. But sadly, it appears he doesn’t want that anymore. So finally, after more than a month of seemingly futile attempts at reestablishing the scarred friendship, I have finally decided to stop. He hadn’t even greeted me on my birthday, which ultimately made me think I have to let him go as he has let go of me and  I am no longer sure what’s left of the friendship.

At some point, I realized that perhaps he was really looking for something which he had not found in me.  I began to think that perhaps the reason for the existence of the friendship was merely stemming from whatever form of benefit it has provided. I am just sad that for the first time in my life, I had completely opened myself up and shared myself entirely with someone whom I thought would stay whatever happens.  However, there are really things in life that are certain. Only true friends stay, no matter what. True friends accepts you for who and what you are. And true friends do not allow circumstances to dictate the outcome of the friendship but rather bend circumstances to maintain the friendship.

If it is wrong to fall in love with a friend, then I regret to think that I made that big mistake. If it is a risk to get so close to someone whom you feel emotional connection with, then I think I obviously failed to pre-calculate my actions. If perhaps it is a crime to fall in love with a friend and tell him about it, then I guess I am guilty beyond reasonable doubt. However, if what greatly matters is timing, wherein telling a friend of the love you are feeling (at the height of his newfound relationship) could potentially scar the friendship and extinguish any flickering flame of interest that remains, then what a painful lesson to learn.

Now I can only extrapolate how things might have actually turned out had I dealt with them  the other way around, each after much careful thought. What if I kept my feelings to myself? What if I have not told  him about it? What if I had not introduced him to someone? What if... what if? If only I could turn back time I should have done this and done that. If only I had been more careful I wouldn't  have done this or done that. If only I was more conscious and aware of my emotions, if only I had been more articulate about my feelings,  if only I had been more wise... if only... 

However, life must go on.  As he said, “lilipas din yan, tulad ng lahat ng bagay” (it shall pass, just like everything else), and so now it finally has. I admit that I miss his company, I miss the friendship, I miss him big time!  But sadly, there is always time for everything. There’s a time to build and there’s a time to destroy, a time for pain and a time for joy.  And as there is a time to say hello, there is also a time to say goodbye.